Marriage Jokes

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-- Lord Byron

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi

a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus

The Falling Woman

A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she fell down.
On her way falling down, an American man caught her.
She said: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life; I'll do ANYTHING for you...'
The man said: 'Okay then, kiss me.'
She said: 'You PIG! NEVER!'
So he said: 'FINE!' and he dropped her down....
So she's falling and screaming...
Suddenly a German man caught her in the air from his balcony.
She said: 'Oh thank you, you saved me; I'll do anything that you ask...'
The guy said: 'Fraulein, kiss me.'
She replied: 'Oh you nasty pig! NEVER!'
So the man said: 'Fine!!!' and he also dropped her down again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she kissed one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a man caught the woman from his balcony.
She said: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll kiss you!!'
The man replies: "Astaghfar Allah" and dropped her.

Funny Quotes 2

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

There are three sides of an arguement: your side, my side and the right side.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

"Fragile. Do not drop."
- Posted on a Boeing 757

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
- Richard Jeni

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
...
...
The rest cheat in Europe!
- Jackie Mason

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henry Youngman