25 August, 2011

Captain Bravo

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate
ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket,
and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into
battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again
vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did
you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew
won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted,

"Bring me my brown trousers!"

10 August, 2011


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled
"The Meaning of Dreams"

06 August, 2011


Funny Quotes

"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
- Steven Wright

"We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are some advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department halfway there."
- Ronnie Shakes

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners"
- Jeff Stilson

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
- Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"

"I hated it when the big kids would toss me for my lunch money. But now I walk another route to work, and avoid the school yard altogether."
- Brad Osberg

"That is the saving grace of humor. If you fail, no one is laughing at you."
- A. Whitney Brown

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
- Rita Rudner