Women...

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "I opened a can of peas instead."

A Woman's Influence

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant", to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President".

Husbands & Wives

A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink!" To which he replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it!"

Brilliant Answers

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0 But I would have given him 100 Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page Q3. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * Concrete floors are very hard to crack. Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * Marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * Exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man live eight days without sleeping? * No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand… Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apple and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? * Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Marriage Quote

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." - Henny Youngman

A little boy

A little boy says to his mother, "Mom, I'll be good for a dollar" The mother replies, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time" The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time. The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for a 25 cents." The mother says, "How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."

Marriage

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

In the Cemetery

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?" The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

In the court

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw." From out in the audience a man shouted, "Liar!" "Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "Damn you"! the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"