Marriage Jokes

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-- Lord Byron

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi

a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus

The Falling Woman

A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she fell down.
On her way falling down, an American man caught her.
She said: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life; I'll do ANYTHING for you...'
The man said: 'Okay then, kiss me.'
She said: 'You PIG! NEVER!'
So he said: 'FINE!' and he dropped her down....
So she's falling and screaming...
Suddenly a German man caught her in the air from his balcony.
She said: 'Oh thank you, you saved me; I'll do anything that you ask...'
The guy said: 'Fraulein, kiss me.'
She replied: 'Oh you nasty pig! NEVER!'
So the man said: 'Fine!!!' and he also dropped her down again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she kissed one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a man caught the woman from his balcony.
She said: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll kiss you!!'
The man replies: "Astaghfar Allah" and dropped her.

Funny Quotes 2

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

There are three sides of an arguement: your side, my side and the right side.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

"Fragile. Do not drop."
- Posted on a Boeing 757

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
- Richard Jeni

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
...
...
The rest cheat in Europe!
- Jackie Mason

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henry Youngman

complaining

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a cola you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a cola for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another cola you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another cola but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep... not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Homer Simpson

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
- Melanie Griffith

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Iranian & American

An Iranian walks into a bar in America late one night.
An American guy takes the stool beside him at the bar.
'Are you one of those 'ians'?' asks the American, with a contemptuous smile.
The astonished Iranian asks, 'What do you mean?'
'No difference, Arabian, Iranian, Indian, all the same,' says the American in a humiliating tone, laughing out loud.
The Iranian asks instead, 'And are you one of those 'keys'?'.
'What would that mean?' is the American's question.
'No difference, donkey, Yankee, monkey, all the same!

more jokes...

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

Why don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too".

The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust!

What did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

financial advice

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Canadian Joke

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade!"