20 April, 2014

Play on words

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.

Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son? His son, he’s a little Bigger.

"Rick Astley" will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one… he’s never gonna give you Up.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a crisis?

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. You will pay, you have my Word.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

They told me my blood was Type-A. But it was a Type-O.

What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator… but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating? They’re in a stable relationship.

What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs? A condescending con descending.

05 April, 2014

Teachers and Students

29 March, 2014

Only the English could've Invented this language!

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t finge, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t hamme?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

25 March, 2014

Not So Funny Jokes

03 March, 2014

Short Funny Sentences

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: "Well I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth."

A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs" I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs!?

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in a film.

"I love your hair."
"Aww thank you!, I grew it myself!"

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.

If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20 Me: What?

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.

I lost a very close friend last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

"I'm not like most girls."
-Most Girls

I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live.

If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

Another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra.

How do homeless people manage to get those expensive tattoo's?

How can flies just simply enter your room through a two inch cracked window yet have no idea how to exit through a wide open door?

19 February, 2014


Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

04 February, 2014

Funny One Liners

Name your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.

If someone says "I love you" and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.

I entered a local joke contest, sending in ten separate puns. I was hoping at least one would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally.

When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

Galileo: Great mind. Einstein: Genius mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: Never mind.

Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says "Oh no she didn't!", she in fact, did.

Some people need a high five... in the face... with a chair.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

15 January, 2014

Pregnant Woman in a Coma

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

06 January, 2014

Funny Lines

07 October, 2013

Murder or Suicide?

Click on the photo to enlarge
Click on the photo to enlarge