Jokes, Funny Pictures, Humour and more...
07 October, 2013
05 October, 2013
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.
Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher: Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning!
29 September, 2013
Two Women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening ?
Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
12 September, 2013
Bob and Steve, who happen to be lost in a desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque.
Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is Mohamed, and you say that your name is Ahmed, this way we'll get some food! Deal?"
Steve said: "No, I'm sticking with my name."
They walked into the Mosque and the Sheikh saw them. The Sheikh asked:
"What are your names?"
Bob said: "My name is Mohamed."
Steve said: "My name is Steve."
Sheikh said: "Guys, please bring some food and water for Steve. And you Mohamed, Ramadan Mubarak!"
07 July, 2013
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach(economy-class). Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."
19 May, 2013
She Was Sooo Blonde
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she thought General Motors was in the army.
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she sold the car for gas money!
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
07 May, 2013
Little Old Lady
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this terrible problem with gas, I can't seem to stop farting. They never smell and are always silent but it's still a problem all the same. Believe it or not I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
27 April, 2013
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
10 April, 2013
An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.
Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly donated his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card for giving his blood along with a new car as a token of his appreciation.
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate much the Jews kind gesture as he has done previously. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied "Ya Habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember?!"
27 March, 2013
Surrounded by Cannibals
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself,
"Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out,
"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."