20 January, 2011

The Female Demerit System

In the world of male-female relationships, one single rule applies:
· Make the woman happy
· Do something she likes and you get points.
· Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
· You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played !

You go out to buy her what she wants (0 points)
In the rain (+8)
But return with beer too (-15)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out the suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out the suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a baseball bat (+10)
It's her cat (-50)

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-20)
Named Heather (-50)
Who is a dancer (-120)
And has breast implants (-380)

You give her a dozen roses and a box of chocolates (0)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-10)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-30)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-50)

You take her to a movie (0)
You take her to a movie she likes (0)
You take her to a movie you hate (+10)
You take her to a movie you like (-20)
It's called 'Death Cop 2 - Revenge' (-50)
You lied that it was a foreign film about romantic relationships, orphans or animals (-150)

She says "My Mother/Father/Sister/Brother is coming to stay with us for a week." You say "Fantastic, I'm really looking forward to it!" (0)
You say anything else (-100)

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-500)

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You immediately reply "Of course not!" (0)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Uh..." (-20)
You reply, "Where?" (-75)
Any other response (-200)

When she wants to talk about something, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for over 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes you have fallen asleep (-400)

11 January, 2011

Funny Quotes 3

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
— Emo Philips

43% of all statistics are worthless.

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
— Robert Frost

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Be naughty – save santa the trip.

Better late than... really late.

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.