26 March, 2008

Funny Answering Mashines

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

Please leave a tone after the message.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.

Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone... And the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call... Sorry.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

13 March, 2008

In Order Of Stupidity...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???...)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

02 March, 2008

A Real Story!

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!