tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-141914322024-03-14T01:51:39.977+03:30Clean Funny Jokes For All AgesJokes, Funny Pictures, Humour and more...Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.comBlogger268125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-64416994806316896832018-11-30T12:32:00.000+03:302019-01-16T04:28:39.812+03:30Stupid SayingsEveryone says stupid stuff sometimes but when you are a star, it goes on record for all to see for years to come. Here are a collection of the best cringe-worthy quotes.<br />
<br />
1.<br />
"The word genius isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."<br />
- Joe Theismann<br />
<br />
2.<br />
"And now the sequence of events, in no particular order."<br />
- Dan Rather<br />
<br />
3.<br />
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."<br />
- Dan Quayle<br />
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4.<br />
"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."<br />
- Mike Tyson<br />
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5.<br />
"It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."<br />
- Axl Rose<br />
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6.<br />
"We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees."<br />
- Jason Kidd<br />
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7.<br />
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." When asked if he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.<br />
- Shaquille O'Neal<br />
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8.<br />
"First my mother was Spanish. Then she became a Jehovahs Witness."<br />
- Geri Halliwell aka Ginger Spice<br />
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9.<br />
"I'm not good with time. Like, if I ask you the time and you say A quarter to 2, I wouldn't know. Why can't you just say 2:30?"<br />
- Snookie<br />
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10.<br />
"We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, We have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits."<br />
- Spencer PrattAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-72500240122807195292018-07-30T06:33:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:28:51.077+03:303Jokes...A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.<br />
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.<br />
The railroad engineer replied.<br />
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? <br />
<br />
A: "I was born in California." <br />
B: "Which part?" <br />
A: "All of me."<br />
<br />
A student is talking to his teacher.<br />
Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"<br />
Teacher:" Of course not."<br />
Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-23559578489002403482018-07-04T20:21:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:29:02.683+03:30Short & FunnyWhy is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it!<br />
<br />
Went to the opticians the other day, guess who I bumped into. Everyone.<br />
<br />
I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.<br />
<br />
What did the angry doctor say? I’m losing my patients!<br />
<br />
So I used to be addicted to soap…<br />
But I’m clean now.<br />
<br />
Midwives…<br />
Really help people out.<br />
<br />
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.<br />
<br />
Did you know I have a step ladder? Yeah, it’s a shame. I never knew my real ladder.<br />
<br />
I broke my finger today…<br />
But on the other hand, I’m completely fine.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-80888708602661521102018-05-29T08:14:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:29:11.752+03:30Finding the right GirlFred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"<br />
<br />
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."<br />
<br />
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."<br />
<br />
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"<br />
<br />
With a frown on his face, Fred answers: "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."<br />
<br />
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"<br />
<br />
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-50464038049249053342018-05-02T06:09:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:29:32.225+03:30Loving HusbandsA bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. <br />
Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.<br />
When asked he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus".Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-32633958661893858742018-04-20T13:16:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:29:40.680+03:30Play on wordsWhy do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.<br />
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What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.<br />
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Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.<br />
<br />
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son? His son, he’s a little Bigger.<br />
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"Rick Astley" will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one… he’s never gonna give you Up.<br />
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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.<br />
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What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a crisis?<br />
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To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. You will pay, you have my Word.<br />
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Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.<br />
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They told me my blood was Type-A. But it was a Type-O.<br />
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What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.<br />
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Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.<br />
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator… but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?<br />
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Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating? They’re in a stable relationship.<br />
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What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs? A condescending con descending.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-61400109562192541062018-04-05T17:21:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:29:58.888+03:30Teachers and Students<img src="http://www.3jokes.com/images/2014/Data/English_Funny/English_Jokes.jpg" width="400">Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-5811904904707424962018-03-29T05:01:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:30:06.722+03:30Only the English could've Invented this language!We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.<br />
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One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.<br />
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You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.<br />
<br />
If the plural of man is always called men, Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?<br />
<br />
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?<br />
<br />
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?<br />
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Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.<br />
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We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.<br />
<br />
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!<br />
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Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.<br />
<br />
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t finge, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t hamme?<br />
<br />
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?<br />
<br />
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?<br />
<br />
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?<br />
<br />
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.<br />
<br />
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?<br />
<br />
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-19467704550746296002018-03-25T05:49:00.000+04:302019-01-16T04:30:16.936+03:30Not So Funny Jokes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.3jokes.com" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.3jokes.com/images/2014/Data/English_Funny/Not_So_Funny_Jokes.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-44038749020667959152018-03-03T14:17:00.000+03:302019-01-16T04:30:27.548+03:30Short Funny SentencesThey say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.<br />
<br />
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: "Well I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth."<br />
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A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs" I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs!?<br />
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I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in a film.<br />
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"I love your hair."<br />
"Aww thank you!, I grew it myself!"<br />
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I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.<br />
<br />
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.<br />
<br />
Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20 Me: What?<br />
<br />
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.<br />
<br />
I lost a very close friend last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.<br />
<br />
"I'm not like most girls."<br />
-Most Girls<br />
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I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live.<br />
<br />
If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.<br />
<br />
Another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra.<br />
<br />
How do homeless people manage to get those expensive tattoo's?<br />
<br />
How can flies just simply enter your room through a two inch cracked window yet have no idea how to exit through a wide open door?Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-85476751877729453382018-02-19T17:14:00.000+03:302019-01-16T04:30:38.950+03:30SeenusThree men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-71767096001379744432018-02-04T10:35:00.000+03:302019-01-16T04:30:49.748+03:30Funny One LinersName your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.<br />
<br />
If someone says "I love you" and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.<br />
<br />
I entered a local joke contest, sending in ten separate puns. I was hoping at least one would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.<br />
<br />
I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally.<br />
<br />
When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?<br />
<br />
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.<br />
<br />
Galileo: Great mind. Einstein: Genius mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: Never mind.<br />
<br />
Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says "Oh no she didn't!", she in fact, did.<br />
<br />
Some people need a high five... in the face... with a chair.<br />
<br />
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-9371962660971332092014-01-15T16:00:00.001+03:302014-01-15T16:00:52.170+03:30Pregnant Woman in a ComaA 3 months pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.<br />
<br />
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.<br />
<br />
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?<br />
<br />
Doctor: Denise.<br />
<br />
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?<br />
<br />
Doctor: Denephew.Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-70715862536417394442014-01-06T13:37:00.001+03:302014-01-06T13:40:28.584+03:30Funny Lines<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.3jokes.com/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.3jokes.com/images/2014/Data/English_Funny/Funny_English%20(1).jpg" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://www.3jokes.com/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.3jokes.com/images/2014/Data/English_Funny/Funny_English%20(9).jpg" width="395" /></a></div>Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-47433232714424955252013-10-07T07:11:00.002+03:302013-10-07T07:18:53.290+03:30Murder or Suicide?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Click on the photo to enlarge<br />
<a href="http://www.3jokes.com/nice/uploaded_images/Murder_or_Suicide.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.3jokes.com/nice/uploaded_images/Murder_or_Suicide.jpg" width="400" /></a>Click on the photo to enlarge</div>Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-33421418112471698022013-10-05T08:45:00.001+03:302013-10-05T08:45:08.226+03:30Smart Kid!One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.<br />
Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?<br />
Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon.<br />
Teacher: Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?<br />
Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning!Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-30952501096564015022013-09-29T08:38:00.000+03:302013-09-29T08:38:59.006+03:30Romantic EveningTwo Women chatting in office.<br />
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?<br />
<br />
Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?<br />
<br />
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!<br />
<br />
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.<br />
Husband 1: How was your evening ?<br />
<br />
Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?<br />
<br />
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!<br />
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Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-90677315048448310652013-09-12T07:34:00.000+04:302013-09-12T07:34:19.141+04:30Be yourselfBob and Steve, who happen to be lost in a desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque.<br />
<br />
Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is Mohamed, and you say that your name is Ahmed, this way we'll get some food! Deal?"<br />
Steve said: "No, I'm sticking with my name."<br />
<br />
They walked into the Mosque and the Sheikh saw them. The Sheikh asked:<br />
"What are your names?"<br />
Bob said: "My name is Mohamed."<br />
Steve said: "My name is Steve."<br />
Sheikh said: "Guys, please bring some food and water for Steve. And you Mohamed, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramadan">Ramadan</a> Mubarak!"Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-82894074181632049702013-07-07T19:27:00.001+04:302013-07-07T19:27:59.165+04:30First-Class BlondeA beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach(economy-class). Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.<br />
<br />
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."<br />
<br />
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.<br />
<br />
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.<br />
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"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-54966746184457685822013-05-19T11:48:00.001+04:302013-05-19T11:48:35.784+04:30She Was Sooo Blonde- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.<br />
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.<br />
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.<br />
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.<br />
- she thought General Motors was in the army.<br />
- she tripped over a cordless phone.<br />
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."<br />
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."<br />
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."<br />
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.<br />
- she studied for a blood test.<br />
- she sold the car for gas money!<br />
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.<br />
- when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.<br />
- she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.<br />
Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-533407917236548732013-05-07T09:19:00.001+04:302013-05-07T09:19:49.868+04:30Little Old LadyA little old lady goes to the doctor and says,<br />
<br />
"Doctor I have this terrible problem with gas, I can't seem to stop farting. They never smell and are always silent but it's still a problem all the same. Believe it or not I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."<br />
<br />
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."<br />
<br />
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts stink terribly!"<br />
<br />
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-44355536457273666872013-04-27T09:48:00.000+04:302014-02-04T10:35:55.386+03:30A couple walking in the parkA couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.<br />
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.<br />
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-36949256409751373702013-04-10T13:03:00.003+04:302013-04-10T13:03:54.255+04:30Blood DonationAn Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.<br />
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Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly donated his blood to the Arab.<br />
<br />
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card for giving his blood along with a new car as a token of his appreciation.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.<br />
<br />
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of Almond Roca sweets.<br />
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The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate much the Jews kind gesture as he has done previously. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied "Ya Habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember?!"Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-75464294332679110692013-03-27T09:04:00.002+04:302013-03-27T09:04:58.095+04:30Surrounded by CannibalsAn explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself,<br />
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"Oh God, I'm screwed."<br />
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A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out,<br />
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"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."<br />
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So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.<br />
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The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14191432.post-21512950661067837492013-02-26T00:19:00.000+03:302013-02-26T00:19:00.382+03:30the Secret to WealthA young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.<br />
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The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.<br />
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The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples."<br />
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"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"<br />
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"Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."Ahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00087225985760926158noreply@blogger.com0