Funny Quotes

"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
- Steven Wright

"We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are some advantages to living in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department halfway there."
- Ronnie Shakes

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners"
- Jeff Stilson

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
- Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"

"I hated it when the big kids would toss me for my lunch money. But now I walk another route to work, and avoid the school yard altogether."
- Brad Osberg

"That is the saving grace of humor. If you fail, no one is laughing at you."
- A. Whitney Brown

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
- Rita Rudner