21 May, 2006

Jokes

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

15 May, 2006

Osama Binladen

After numerous rounds of "we don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:





370HSSV 0773H





Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked Britain?s MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

12 May, 2006

Ways to Turn Men Down

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE:: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE:: Okay, get out.

HE:: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE:: Why? Are you leaving?

HE:: Can I have your name?
SHE:: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE:: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE:: I've already seen it.

HE:: Where have you been all my life?
SHE:: Hiding from you.

HE:: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE:: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

03 May, 2006

M'icrosoft vs GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.