Funny Quote

"Whenever my kids are having trouble at school, I like to tell them about myself when I was a kid. I wasn't very big, I wasn't the smartest, I wasn't the best in sports and, yes, I did get beat-up a lot. Unfortunately, that's where the story ends, so it doesn't usually cheer them up much." - Alf Whit

Elevator

"To me, an elevator is a coffin on a string. Dangling over an abyss. It's like a casket yo-yo. Remember the plane crash in the Andes? When the survivors ate the dead passengers? I'm not proud of this but when I take an elevator, I bring a knife and fork and pray for fat passengers." - Carolyn May

80 Year Old Couple

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and explain the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll remember," he says "Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget." "I can remember that," he says, as he begins to lose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream on top," she adds, "I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I'll remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Funeral Service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held and, at the end of the service, the pallbearers are once more carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband shouts, "Watch out for the wall!"