Stupid Sayings

Everyone says stupid stuff sometimes but when you are a star, it goes on record for all to see for years to come. Here are a collection of the best cringe-worthy quotes.

1.
"The word genius isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theismann

2.
"And now the sequence of events, in no particular order."
- Dan Rather

3.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle

4.
"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."
- Mike Tyson

5.
"It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."
- Axl Rose

6.
"We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd

7.
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." When asked if he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.
- Shaquille O'Neal

8.
"First my mother was Spanish. Then she became a Jehovahs Witness."
- Geri Halliwell aka Ginger Spice

9.
"I'm not good with time. Like, if I ask you the time and you say A quarter to 2, I wouldn't know. Why can't you just say 2:30?"
- Snookie

10.
"We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, We have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits."
- Spencer Pratt

3Jokes...

A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."

A student is talking to his teacher.
Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher:" Of course not."
Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Short & Funny

Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it!

Went to the opticians the other day, guess who I bumped into. Everyone.

I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.

What did the angry doctor say? I’m losing my patients!

So I used to be addicted to soap…
But I’m clean now.

Midwives…
Really help people out.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

Did you know I have a step ladder? Yeah, it’s a shame. I never knew my real ladder.

I broke my finger today…
But on the other hand, I’m completely fine.

Finding the right Girl

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers: "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Loving Husbands

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.
When asked he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus".

Play on words

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.

Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son? His son, he’s a little Bigger.

"Rick Astley" will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one… he’s never gonna give you Up.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a crisis?

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. You will pay, you have my Word.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

They told me my blood was Type-A. But it was a Type-O.

What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator… but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating? They’re in a stable relationship.

What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs? A condescending con descending.

Teachers and Students

Only the English could've Invented this language!

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t finge, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t hamme?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

Not So Funny Jokes

Short Funny Sentences

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: "Well I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth."

A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs" I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs!?

I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in a film.

"I love your hair."
"Aww thank you!, I grew it myself!"

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.

If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20 Me: What?

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.

I lost a very close friend last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

"I'm not like most girls."
-Most Girls

I'm really glad we don't have to hunt our own food anymore.... I don't even know where sandwiches live.

If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

Another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra.

How do homeless people manage to get those expensive tattoo's?

How can flies just simply enter your room through a two inch cracked window yet have no idea how to exit through a wide open door?