Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep... not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Homer Simpson

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
- Melanie Griffith

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.