Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.
What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son? His son, he’s a little Bigger.
"Rick Astley" will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one… he’s never gonna give you Up.
Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do? Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a crisis?
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. You will pay, you have my Word.
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
They told me my blood was Type-A. But it was a Type-O.
What is it called when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator… but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating? They’re in a stable relationship.
What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs? A condescending con descending.
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